Do you have friendships
that bring you more stress than joy? You’re not alone.
The sad reality is that
we are all at least partly surrounded by toxic friendships.
According to a recent
study published in PLOS One,
only about 50% of the average person’s friendships go both ways.
This means that out of
all the people you consider your friend, only roughly half of them feel the
same way about you.
And yet we continue to
persist in toxic friendships in all areas and stages of our life, no matter how
young or old we become.
So what makes a toxic
friendship, and why do so many friendships go sour but stay alive?
In this article, we
discuss all there is to know about toxic friendships – why we deal with them,
how to identify them, and when to know it’s time to end the charade.
What
is a Toxic Friendship?
A toxic friendship can
seem like an oxymoron – a friendship is supposed to enrich your life, while
anything that is toxic is a source of unhealthiness and unhappiness.
But many of us live
with toxic friends, whether we realize or not, and find ourselves simply unable
to get out of the relationship.
At its core, friendship
is an agreement between two people.
No matter how relevant
or important the friendship is to your life, there must be a balance, where
both individuals give and take the same effort and satisfaction from the
relationship.
But toxic friends give
people the opposite of satisfaction. They stress us out and make things more
difficult than they need to be.
These are friends who
drain us more than they uplift us, and make us regret the time we spend with
them.
Characteristics
of a Toxic Friend
No one grows up wanting
to be a source of negative energy.
Oftentimes, the toxic
behavior of a person is a byproduct of certain characteristics or personality
traits they have carried and nurtured their entire lives.
Some of these
characteristics include:
1.
Trait: Self-Absorbed
What they think about
it: “I’m just being tough in a dog-eat-dog world.”
Why it happens: No one
ever said no to them while they were growing up. They don’t know how to
prioritize other people and put themselves in the backseat.
How it manifests: They
will only offer to help other people if they can get something out of it. But
they will never help others out of the goodness of their heart.
2.
Trait: Insecure
What they think about
it: “I’m just competitive.”
Why it happens: They
have huge insecurity issues, and they aren’t comfortable with something about
themselves – their body, their intelligence, their accomplishments, or
something else.
How it manifests: They
put down their friends, always diminishing them in various ways. When someone
else is talking about something good about them, they will have to one-up them
with their own story, true or not.
3.
Trait: Short-Sighted
What they think about
it: “I just like living in the moment.”
Why it happens: Even if
they are incredibly smart, toxic people lack the ability to look very far in
the future. This is why they get too emotional, bitter, and resentful over
small things that aren’t even about them.
How it manifests: They
will turn on their closest friends, if they see a way that it will benefit
them. They will spread gossip, lie, hold grudges, and bully, because they care
too much about what’s going on right now instead of thinking long-term.
Identifying
a Toxic Friendship – Signs of a Toxic Friend
The biggest obstacle
people have when identifying toxic friendships in their lives is doubt.
Our first instinct is
to naturally see the goodness in our friends, so when we believe to see
behavior that we think to be toxic, we are the first ones to defend them – “Oh,
they’re just having a bad day,” “They didn’t mean it that way”, and “They will
be nicer next time.”
To properly identify a
toxic friendship, it helps best to first look around you. Here are three steps
to identifying a toxic friendship by looking outside:
1)
Watch Others: See how your possible toxic friend acts
towards other people. Do they do the same toxic behavior to them that they do
to you?
2)
Ask Around: If you see them being toxic to other
people, then it’s time to ask. Ask your mutual friends if they feel the same way.
3)
Look at Them: Does your possible toxic friend have
many long-term relationships? Do they often complain about other people, and do
they struggle to keep friends, family, and romantic partners around?
Common
signs of a toxic friend include:
1) They sabotage even
their closest friends by killing their time and their energy through
involvement in pointless drama that they manufactured on their own.
2) They exclude friends
from groups because they prioritize certain friends over others, despite
friendship seniority.
3) They almost never
acknowledge the achievements of their friends, but always talk about their own.
4) They will use people
to get new friends, and then forget about the initial friend. This is known as
triangulation.
5) They love playing the
victim, always ensuring that they have the most difficulties in their social
group.
6) They project their
own toxic behavior on those around them, making it more difficult for their
friends to truly identify their behavior because they end up blaming themselves.
7) They know when to
play nice, so that their friends won’t accuse them of being toxic. When others
are around, their behavior will be perfect.
8) If their friends
stand up to them, they will frame their friends as being the toxic instigators,
while they were the victim all along.
9) They have an
inability to empathize and will change the topic or just not pay attention if a
friend is opening up to them.
10) They will make
shady comments that hurt those around them, but aren’t obvious enough to be
thought of as an insult.
The Psychological
Impact of Toxic Friendships, and Why We Keep Toxic Friends
If you suspect that you
might be in a toxic friendship, it is important that you take it seriously
rather than dismiss it.
The more frequently you
interact with your suspected toxic friend, the more important it is that you
identify and, if necessary, remove them from your life.
The psychological
impact of having a toxic friend can leave a serious toll on your life.
People who let toxic
friendships persist in their life generally have problems with self-esteem.
Instead of standing up
to the source of their stress and mental fatigue, they think of reasons why
they let them toxic friendship continue, simply to avoid confronting the issue
head-on.
Some
of the most common excuses for keeping toxic friends include:
1) Longevity of
Friendship
Your Excuse: “I’ve been
friends with them since we were kids. They’re not really as bad as you think
they are.”
How They Take
Advantage: They play the “kid” card whenever you try to confront them, talking
about old times and reminiscing of the past.
Most of the toxic
friends that we keep are people that we have been friends with since childhood.
Maybe you used to play with them in the park, or maybe you were best friends in
middle school.
But for one reason or
another, they aren’t exactly the same nice person that you grew up with.
Their life took one too
many negative turns, and now they take it out on you and their other close
friends.
However, you feel a
kind of loyalty towards them, simply because you have known them for so long,
so you just can’t stand to end the relationship.
2) Possible Positive
Networking Opportunities
Your Excuse: “I know
he/she is a jerk, but I don’t want to burn that bridge. They might know
someone.”
How They Take
Advantage: They dangle the possibility of their network over you, promising you
to introduce you to the “right person” to advance your career.
Just because you aren’t
the toxic person in the friendship doesn’t mean that you don’t have your own
self-interests in mind.
There are some people
that we maintain friendships with simply because we enjoy the comfort of being
socially connected with them. Maybe they have just the right contacts you need
for your career, or maybe they are an important member of your community.
This is when you are
forced to decide: does the benefit of being their friend outweigh the
negativity they bring to my life?
There is also the case
where they might be part of your social circles, so you don’t want to stop
being friends with them or else you might cause an uncomfortable, awkward rift
that the rest of your friends will be forced to deal with.
3) You Genuinely Still
Believe in the Friendship
No excuses, no fake
reasons.
The truth is that with
so many friendships displaying signs of toxicity, we often have to make the
decision to persevere in toxic friendships simply because we know this might
just be a phase, or their toxic behavior doesn’t tell the whole story.
Toxic friends do not necessarily
have malicious thoughts in mind.
There are many cases
where a toxic friend is just someone who needs a little help or is going
through a rough patch.
This is a judgment call
only you can make, and it’s something you need to think about with every toxic
friendship.
Is Your Friendship
Salvageable?
Confronting toxic
friends is a tricky situation. On the one hand, finally having the talk with
them could ultimately change your friendship for the better.
However, your toxic
friend may also be unresponsive to your efforts, causing irreversible damage to
your friendship.
Before cutting them out
of your life, try to evaluate if your friendship is worth saving in the first
place.
Ask yourself the
following questions to evaluate whether or not your toxic relationship is worth
the effort.
Do you share the same
interests and values as your friend?
People grow apart, and
sometimes these life changes aren’t always for the better.
Maybe your friend has
gone through some tough times and became more bitter and quicker to anger as a
result.
That doesn’t mean this
new attitude towards life has completely changed who they are at the very core.
At the end of the day,
we stick to friends because we enjoy their company.
We like the same
things, we value the same virtues, and we live by the same principles.
You don’t have to like
every single thing about your friend, but you must at least like who they are.
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